In this video, I share one of my favorite tools for cultivating a calmer mind and body: square breath. This method of breathing always helps me breathe a little more fully and a little easier, too. At about five minutes long, this video is short enough to weave into your day any time you need a little more calm. Enjoy!
I recently wrote a post for the Center for Congregational Ethics about good parenting in a world where fear, bullying, and intimidation can sometimes overwhelm our media feeds. Spoiler alert: I don’t always get it right, but I’m learning that I don’t always have to.
Question: My husband and I have three school age children. We are struggling with how we can rear them in the cultural context in which we find ourselves now–where fear, intimidation, win-at-any-costs are the driving dynamics–with a sense of better values shaping them. Any suggestions you have would be deeply appreciated.
Yesterday, I found myself yelling at my kids again. We were running late — a common occurrence with three children — and I yelled at one of them for playing a game instead of getting dressed. One person’s actions, I told my child, could mean that everyone in the family was late. But, as I looked at my child and the ears budding in their eyes, I was forced to examine my own actions. What was I teaching my child by shouting my point?
When I see the raging, bullying actions of others in the media, I shake my head in disappointment. But when I truly examine my actions, I see that I too rely on fear and intimidation. It’s easy to do. After all, intimidation has often served as a way for societies to reign in chaos. Fines, jail time, and public shaming are all methods used to cultivate order. These methods can be effective, because they present consequences for negative or dangerous behavior.
Is it any surprise, then, that we parents use similar methods to maintain order in our households? Docking allowance, enacting time outs, and shaking our disappointed heads are time-worn methods of parenting. Though such methods may work at a societal level, they don’t always create the values we want on a familial level. In fact, we may inadvertently communicate to children that threats and punishment are the only ways to encourage desired behavior, and that avoiding punishment is the only reason to act kindly.
If we want our children to have more intrinsic motivation for their actions, we can start by modeling our desired values at home. This way, maybe our households and actions can serve as alternatives to the shouting and name calling we see on television shows and in the news.
Whenever possible, we can choose to explain our decisions, and to teach empathy. Instead of angrily yelling at my late child, for instance, I could have calmly expressed my disappointment and explained the importance of considering others. When I eventually did this, and apologized for yelling and losing my temper, I hoped to demonstrate that a person could be disappointed, and even frustrated, without resorting to blustering and shouting. This lesson was just as important as the one I was shouting about considering others.
We don’t have to be perfect. I’ve already evidenced that I am not. Still, despite our imperfection, our children often learn to choose a righteous path. Recently, I was at a pediatric clinic with one of my kids because of a broken wrist scare. The clinic was implementing a new computer system, and major delays resulted. After about 15 minutes of waiting to check in, and with no end in sight, I could feel my expression harden and I found myself taking several audible sighs of exasperation. Then, my child — the one with the hurt wrist — helped me remember what my values are.
“If we’re frustrated,” she said looking toward the frazzled administrative assistants, “just imagine how frustrating it must be for them.”
Her words reminded me to choose the path of kindness and empathy whenever possible. They reminded me that rudeness and bullying aren’t qualities I want to embody. Most importantly, though, her words also helped me remember that we parents don’t have to raise our children perfectly, and we don’t have to be perfect ourselves. If we model our values, our children can help us remain attuned to them — even in a society that sometimes doesn’t.
I love a good restorative yoga session, especially after a long, busy day. The point of restorative yoga is to rejuvenate the body through deep relaxation and steady breathing. For that reason, you exert little to no energy in the poses and allow gravity to do most of the work.
Try the restorative yoga poses below to ease tension on tired vertebra, knees, legs, and feet. If you feel yourself straining to remain in the pose, try a modification or rest quietly on your back. Remember to keep your breathing smooth and your mind as relaxed as you can. Enjoy!
Try this grounding pose to relieve stress and ease pressure off the spine and legs.
Sit next to the wall with your left hip touching the wall. Turn around so that your back is on the floor and scoot toward the wall until your sitting bones are on the wall. Extend your legs up and rest them on the wall. If you like, bring one hand to your chest and the other to your belly to help calm your breath and connect to your body. Stay here for a few breaths or up to five minutes.
Modify: If legs-up-the-wall is uncomfortable or your legs become tingly, try separating your legs a few inches, bending your knees slightly, or both. If the tingling remains, come out of the pose.
Another grounding posture, this pose offers a gentle stretch for your inner thighs.
From legs-up-the-wall, slide your feet toward your hips and bring the soles of your feet to together. Rest the outer edges of your feet on the wall and stay here for a few breaths or up to five minutes.
Modify: To de-intensify the inner thigh stretch, take your hips farther away from the wall, and use your hands to support your legs. Additionally, keep your feet raised higher rather than sliding them all the way to your hips.
Restorative frog pose
Use restorative frog pose to help relieve pressure from tight hips in a gentle, calming way.
From legs-up-the-wall, scoot your hips away from the wall a couple of inches. Separate your legs about a foot, bend your knees, and bring the bottoms of your feet onto the wall; turn your toes outward about 45 degrees or so. If it feels comfortable, separate your feet a little more. Remain here with your arms by your sides, or with one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. Stay here for a few deep breaths, or for two to three minutes.
Modify: If this pose feels too intense on your hips, take them farther away from the wall, and support your legs with your hands or with sturdy blocks. You can also hold your legs with your hands for gentle support.
After writing my last post on seated cow face pose, I thought about how that version is sometimes inaccessible to me. On those days, I prefer this pose reclined. So, I thought it’d be helpful to offer a brief tutorial on reclined cow face pose, which has many of the same hip-opening benefits of the seated version, but with less pressure on the hips and knees. Try it out and let me know which version works best for you!
- Begin on your back with your knees bent and your feet on the floor.
- Cross your left leg over your right leg so that the back of your left knee stacks, or nearly stacks, above the right knee.
- Use your hands and abdominal muscles to bring your knees closer to your chest. Rest your hands on your shins, and use your hands to guide your knees as close to your chest as feels comfortable (see bottom photo). You can also gently pull the shins away from each other.
- If you want a deeper stretch in the outer left hip, hold your feet rather than your shins (see top photo); you may need to lift your upper body to reach your feet. If you still want a deeper stretch in the outer left hips, take the feet farther away from the hips.
- Remain in the shape you’ve chosen for five to ten breaths, then repeat the steps on the other side.
Cow Face is one of my least favorite poses. So, why am I highlighting it here? Hips, for many of us, are the seat of emotions; we clench our glutes and hip flexors when we feel scared or anxious as our fight-or-flight response kicks in. The result can be tension that causes discomfort in the hips as we move around, or tension in the hamstrings or back even when we’re at rest. Cow face pose helps to release some of this tension. The pose also helps stretch the shoulders and triceps, easing tension there as well. Move slowly as you approach cow face pose; move an inch and then consider how that inch of movement affected your body. Then, consider whether you want to move an inch more or remain still.
1. Begin with your legs outstretched. If you like, elevate your hips on a block or a folded blanket; this is excellent if you have tight outer hips. If you aren’t sure, then try this pose on a block first.
2. Bring your right ankle to your outer left hip, so that your bent right knee rests above the left knee, or nearby. Remain here, or bring your left ankle to your right hip. Experience the shape you’ve chosen. Even out the weight between the sit bones.
3. Raise your right arm straight up and then bring your right palm to your low neck. There’s a tendency to bow forward here; instead, bring the shoulders over the hips, engage the low belly, and point your right elbow straight up.
Next, bend your left elbow and bring the back of your left hand to your mid back, with your left palm facing outward. Remain here, or allow both sets of fingertips to drift toward each other. A strap or towel can help close this distance. Again, recommit to a straight spine, engaged belly, and open chest.
4. Remain for a few breaths. To feel a deeper stretch in the outer right hip, reach the chest toward the floor. If you still don’t feel the stretch in your outer right hip, bring your feet farther away from your hips. If you like, release your hands to the ground. Breathe a few slow and controlled breaths. Rise up.
5. Unwind the legs and shake them out a bit. Repeat all the steps on the other side.
Repeat on the opposite side.
Many of us hold tension in our necks, shoulders, and upper back. The good news is that with about 10 minutes of focused attention, we can relieve some of this tension. Here is a short flow designed to release physical stress in the upper body.
1. Begin by sitting in a chair with your ankles under your knees and your shoulders over your hips. To reduce stimuli and tune into your breath, close your eyes or soften your gaze. Take 3-5 breaths, focusing on inhaling completely, and exhaling completely.
2. Lean your left ear toward your left shoulder. Place your right fingertips on your right jawline, and press gently into the skin there. Continue to gently press as you pull your fingers down the side of your neck, ending just below the right collarbone. When you reach the collarbone, lift your chin slightly higher. Breathe here for 2-5 breaths.
3. Next, place your left hand on your right ear. Use your left arm to cradle your head, and your left hand to gently guide the head toward the left. If you like, allow your right hand to fall to your lap. Stay here for about 2-5 breaths.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 on the opposite side, then return to a neutral seated position.
5. Reach your hands in front of you. Interlace your fingers and press your palms away. If this feels uncomfortably tight for your shoulders, bend your elbows a bit. Sit up tall and draw your belly button toward your spine to help engage your low abdominal muscles. This will give you a more stable seat as you reach your palms toward the ceiling. Maintain connection with both sitting bones to the chair; arch your palms toward the left for 2-5 breaths and then toward the right for 2-5 breaths. Return to center.
6. Reach your right hand under your left arm to touch your left shoulder blades. Now, reach your left hand toward your right shoulder. Your left elbow will rest atop your right elbow or thereabouts. Press your fingers into the back of your shoulders and, at the same time, draw your elbows downward. Look for a stretch along the upper back and the sides of your shoulders as well. Stay here for 2-5 breaths.
7. Make eagle arms in the arms by releasing your hands from your shoulders, and bringing either the backs of the hands to touch, or the palms to touch. To touch the palms, the right wrist will wind in front of the left. Lift your elbows to chin height, and take your thumbs about two three inches away from your face. Stay for 2-5 breaths. If this pose feels uncomfortably tight for your shoulders, skip the eagle arms and repeat step 6 instead.
8. Repeat step 6 on the opposite side. If you did eagle arms, repeat step 7, too. Return to a neutral seat.
9. Reach your right hand to your outer left knee or thigh. Bring your left hand to the small of your back. Look toward your left shoulder, being mindful not to shrug your shoulders into your ears. If this position feels comfortable and you’d like a deeper stretch in your chest and upper back, extend your left fingertips straight behind you. Stay for 2-5 breaths. Repeat on the other side, then return to a neutral seated position.
10. Before you return to your day, take another few breaths to recenter. Nourish your body with these inhalations and exhalations and give thanks for this pocket of time in your day.
Yogis are notorious for developing problematic hips after years of repetitively executing the same yoga poses. Yoga tends to strengthen the quadriceps while stretching the hamstrings and outer hips. This can lead to muscular imbalance: weak hamstrings, tight quads, weak outer hips, weak adductors, and weak gluteal muscles. Lifelong practitioners of yoga may find it necessary to supplement common yoga poses. This will help strengthen the muscles that help knit the legs, hips, pelvis, and low back together.
These exercises helped me in particularly when I was nursing the beginnings of a labral tear in my right hip, and just general unequal distribution of tightness and weakness. I found myself in discomfort regularly, with my hips clicking constantly as I walked. I had to pull back on some of my favorite poses by spending less time with or nixing altogether forward folds and deep psoas stretches. I replaced some of them with the poses below. I tended to do 10-15 minutes hip strengthening any day I did yoga. Sometimes I folded this time into my yoga practice, and other times I let it be a stand-alone experience. Even though my hips are starting to feel normal again, I still regularly incorporate hip strengthening into my physical practice. These are my favorites:
80’s workout video leg lifts
Target: Hip adductors and inner thigh
How: Lay on your right side, propping your head up with your right hand. You will look exactly like you are preparing to take your high school volleyball photo. Bend your left knee and place your left foot in front of your right knee or thigh. Keep the left foot firmly planted on the floor, and your left knee pointed upward. Finally, with the inner right ankle facing the ceiling, lift and lower the right leg. Do 10 reps and repeat on the other side.
Awkward airplane with lifts
Target: Gluteus medius and gluteus maximus
How: Come to a forward fold. Then, lift your back until you find a flat spine. If you like, use blocks under your hands or a chair under your hands for support. Bring weight into the right leg and lift the left foot off the floor while trying to keep the left foot flat. With the left hand, take hold of the left big toe, or, if the hamstrings aren’t having it today, bend your left knee and take hold of it. Flex your left toes toward your face. Press your left foot or knee into your left hand. While standing firmly with the right leg, lift and lower the left leg. Do 5-10 reps and repeat on the other side.
Target: Gluteus medius and piriformis
Optional equipment: Theraband
How: Lie on your right side and bring your knees toward your chest. You won’t quite be in a fetal position, but in a less compressed version of one. Stack your knees. Keeping your feet together, open the left knee. Use your hip abductors (the muscles in the outer hips) to raise and lower the knee open and closed, like a clamshell. For added resistance and additional muscle strengthening, loop a Theraband around the shins. Do 10 reps and repeat on the opposite side.
One legged bridge lifts
Target: Hamstrings, gluteus maximus
Lie on your back with your knees bent toward the ceiling. Bring the feet hip width apart and plant them firmly into the floor. Ensure that the knees are tracking above the ankles. Lift your right leg toward the ceiling and engage throughout the right thigh muscles. Pressing the left leg firmly into the floor, lift your hips and your right foot toward the ceiling. Lower your hips, keeping the right leg lifted. Do 10-15 reps and repeat on the opposite side.
Target: Front hip flexors
Equipment needed: Theraband
How: Come to a standing position. Place the ends of the Theraband under your left foot. Lift your right knee enough take the top loop of the Theraband and place it around the right thigh, just above the knee. Point your right toes. Bring your right thigh toward your chest and lower it down. Do 8-12 reps and repeat on the opposite side.